buddy texted me today and we came to this topic of - the girl he likes don't like guys who smokes. so how?
he needa stop and quit smoking in a way.
have seen friends quit. ppl who smoke 10 sticks a day can just quit in like a wonder month. it's just the mind that ticks. 
and it came about me telling him that the same applies to me yet i'm with a smoker now. and yes in the past too.
I don't wish to compare. but sometimes by human nature and instinct, we will tend to, the good or the bad. i chose not to compare.
it set me to think quite a bit. and he made me realize that i should stand up to him.
HE smoking more after training or whatever it is, is due to the reason that he needs nicotine to keep up. so even though his stamina can be awesomely good, but nicotine is the drive to it. like steroids. coming to think of which, hey yes, my friends do tell me that too.
it's not like i didn't change for him. I did. for me to change for a person, i think it's quite hard. but i did. and besides, I shan't really say a change? because I don't even really club when my school starts and even during my hols. I just don't feel like going I won't go. i'm like a so not occasional clubber at all already. don't see a need to. Anyway, for now, yea I am just to exhausted to even visit clubs at all. Though this sat there's ATB at zouk. urghh. but nah, shall pass it. I wanna save money also.

it's all in the mind. saying he will and all I could say is to just wait and let time pass. it's not like i'm asking you to quit totally. actually i think i'm not even controlling at all. like fuck. had gf talk over the 3h break. i realised. i'm not as materialistic as how they are. i don't need the high life. yes, i do wish for one. and they said why would i want to be with some guy who barely make ends meet when I could meet someone better. and all the bank corporate shit came out. hah. i'm so unlike them, cause they can't live just a simple life. where money isn't a worry to them. it's just to splurge with no worries piled.
i like such times where i could just talk to someone rather close getting better views but a part of me will remain.

sebas flew my kite during the long break. but came after sch to study at NP's library where he could study at SIM. and i noticed. one whole bunch of SIM students were also at NP's library. and so he told me that he needed a bigger table as compared to SIM's. so NP is a better choice! ok i guess that applies to all others who were studying there. so he saw both my friends and said they were like just for sex. haha.
i have no comments here. only he knows. rofls. he's been through life quite a bit and older too so that makes it even better when i'm talking to someone much more mature. at first glance, the impression given and what i told gave him the conclusion that I anticipated too. I do know how guys think.
but no, i don't know how K thinks. how shitty can that be right? i can't just think straight when it comes to him.

talking all the funny stuffs over dinner made me laugh real hard. and then what set me to think also was bout what do i see in a regular guy and his life. and what would happen if he were to go overseas for deployment. blablabla. coming to think of which, he's telling me what a guy would do. AND I KNOW.
anw, my answers and replies were like a slut. gawd. but it was just too hilarious.

time for bed.
8am class.
KILL ME!

write in first of third person?

crap. first.

in a way, i did wait for his text and calls.
and just as i thought it might be him, D called.
like why?

day after day, i had to reply and yes be there for him.
as a friend i can. but i can't be more than that. what else more can you ask when I said i just do treasure the friendship and you being all so nice and kind to me?

it's late now.
time to sleep.

and fuck, my stomach and abdominal pains still persists. how long more you want?
and having ulcers, jaw ache, sore throat.
one word - NICE.

i've been thinking so much and in depth. not about pride, not bout ego.
where's my stand. what's my ground?
TELL ME!

goodnight fellas.

dont think.

i realized. i am just not what or who i am.

just when all seems lost, i asked and put away my facade, my mask.

im always here
just a ring/sms away
and that's a promise i give u
if u need anything, anyone or just a ear
u can find me.
as a friend as an ex lover as a guide.

i'm glad i asked the right person.
i am not and never surprised you will say all that I wanted to hear.
Because, besides the special best friends that i have, you were the next closest that could understand me best.

02:15. I should be sleeping my way through.

Yet, I'm here thinking about myself, my life, what is going on for the past 1 month or so.
I'm just glad.

My flaws, I came to see you, finally.

'You don't love yourself enough'.
you're the first guy who has ever told me that, which reminds me of how my parents felt so hard raising me.
'you're stubborn. very'
'don't think you're a screwed up person or whatsoever
in fact i think you're a nice person who just lost her way'

finally, i came to see the reflection of myself again.

To agree or disagree.
Only I can according to my grounds.

That's the reason why many people/friends can misunderstand me.


 

Shits, another poem again.
GOSH.
Crying with glamness. Hah, elgin thinks i'm mad.

Another season has passed this year
Fading memories that we hold so dear

What's left between dreams and reality
The grey area of darkness and surreality

Even then, the dreams I had of you
I hope none of it will remain a fantasy
It's them that carry me through
To survive the world basked with insanity

Every moment was fun
May tomorrow surely bring about the same happiness
As the days continue to run
I doubt them filled with emptiness

Through the endless days I missed something
There's nothing I can blame but timing
It was either too fast or too slow
A sigh I could only blow

Filled with sad days
Even if I cried they won't go away
But in the end, I will laugh at the foolishness I had
And the things we shared

you don't wish for a change, but you would like to see a change.

i did change in a way. doing silly stuffs. haha
and from both sides of view, it's time to move on.
it's hard moving on but i will with or without you.

darren has been trying his best to cheer me up and ensuring that i'm safe.
i think i'll just die when sand comes back. how i wish he's still in sg and not taiwan. A brother, a friend that i could rely on 24/7.

ah fuck.
tool is a vulgarity now. -.-
and looking at how screwed the lawyer's letter came, i am moodless.
16k. why not just rob a bank?

I didn't drink drive. Went out 2h later though am really sober.
Glenn gave me cock shit r/s counselling. telling me that it was a total bad choice to breakup with ppl who are in the midst of course. Cause they will think a hell lot. Fuck, like I don't?
Then, Sam's turn, he's like don't do stupid things ok! No drinking and driving. telling me to watch the newest drama - MERCY.
I'm just, I can't stay at home and go through the whole shit.
Ransacked my mum's bag all over the house just to find the key -.-
Night drive was great - no cars around.

Follow what your heart wants.
noo.
I realized I've been vulgar consistently.
both the reel and real.

And the HTHT talk with Marcus was awesome.
More to come for that when everyone gets their licenses!
Should try out SPIZE, it's a 24hour outlet for malay,indian, arabian food. Located at river valley road, near to zouk though. hah.
And his friends has a wide connection, knowing who he was cause they asked about me. shocked him too though. Same for me.
Shocking yes, everything in life gives you that.
Like how I shocked my mum with the breakup.
How her investments were gone to a waste.
Few 100 k gone. OUCH.
I will help you with your investments in future. Not to worry. :)

Sex has been talking to me for the past few days.
1. Gossip Girl
2. My friends
Apparently, I'm not really interested in hearing the normal guy and girl stuff. But the gay and lesbian ones.
However, I've noted and realised from the guys alone that a girl's virginity is really important. For that I do agree in a way. It's like a precious jem. Tell you what, quoted from GG and that's what Nate said - 'Only give your virginity to the guy who can be there to stand up for you no matter what happens'. 
But still they go around fucking around. WTH right? Then why say that?
So my advises to some girls, just do the same way. Why get all upset after you felt that the world is crashing on you?
You go screw other guys and make him feel like a fucking loser.
You take revenge.

i can't text nor call. disappointed but I was the one who chose it right?
tried, sad.
and the guys just ask me to heck.
girls tell me to do what's best for me.
nice advise huh.
Guess I won't be sleeping tonight again.
Shall go for another good ride around SG then.
Makes you think and reflect what you wanna do with your current life.

walawala-ed
drank 1 erdinger. and that's it. no more. surprising huh.
so what if it's a treat right? i don't even want more.
band was really awesome. they played my favourite song - DOWN : By Jay Sean feat Lil Wayne.
Great!

Ate mexican for dinner. My virgin time tasting the all time good mexican food. Shall say it's 3.5/5. Affordable price with many varieties to choose from. Note, it's food are normally in bread form.
Had yoghurt oreo icecream from frolick! Yummy.
So Elgin does know and can rmb I wanna eat ice cream that badly. Thanks for it :)
And also, my ACJC collection bears later on. I want them all. Missed out 2 years ago, shan't miss them out this time round. Couldn't go for Fun-O-Rama that's cause i'm working from 1-10pm! kill me please. just for money's sake. I will. Though I'm also kinda sick.
Helped brighten my day, rather evening a little. But, he knows I'm holding it back hard. sadly, those who knew me well and seen me grown up could see all the tell tale signs. :(

And of which, it brought us to talking on the topic bout sex.

So sex sells huh?
You need to be physical in every relationship? And that's what you call love?
What if the other party doesn't really want, yet did it just to maintain the r/s, which the wanted party really desires?

I am just so not enthralled.
I've heard and seen too many such similar scenarios.
I'm just there for whoever who needs my comfort and help then.

Gonna drive out soon.
Down lots of water.

It's the weekends once again. TGIF - heading over to Walawala soon.

Random entry, random rants.

So after changing my relationship status on sunday after seeing that someone else did change too, my ex talked to me on msn.

'Guess what?! the happiest thing that i've seen on facebook in the last 48hours was you being single once again! Let's go for a movie:)'


FUCK YOU.
You're the fucking douche.
How many times have you asked me out on whatever dates you call that.
AND, I REJECTED?
missing me too much huh?
GET A LIFE JERK!

:D:D:D


Sam thinks I'm gonna emo since it's a weekend.
damn it.

tata
dinner and to chill :)