and so, it added on more. GREAT.
So project's finally done. but 2 more to go.
and yes, I'm really tired this semester. Matters of the heart and also my grades - they are 'ailing' terribly. My mum has been nagging and telling me how important my future is. I do know that, because I've set the goals that I want to achieve. So I'm gonna bring myself to study real hard. Have been slacking too much, sleeping more than 10h a day. Sometimes even 16h. I wonder why I need that kinda much of sleep. My health's a sign whenever I sleep continuously. But there are times I sleep cause I'm just too stressed and I don't know what I should do next when there's something I ought to do.
However, ironically, i'm sorta having insomnia too. I slept only 2h after tossing in bed for 2h and woke up for sch, feeling all so energetic. But I guess my mind's rather dead. That's when it became my turn for table topic 2, I couldn't remember a thing to speak my mind. I kinda screwed it up.sighs. this meant my grades are gonna go all the way down.
heard this from my friend which I've not seen for quite some time. he's really decent and 20 years old just like me this year. Having his attachment where he learnt how to drink every single day. Almost. and besides that, he has to go for all sorts of entertainment even when he's an intern. that's crap. kinda forced to go. well, asked about his experiences, he said it's very bad, and the pubs/entertainment places they go to are really 'lup sup' which meant 'dirty' in the logical sense. Well, he didn't really bother about the entertainment but was there to know people - this is called drawing connections in the working field you are in. Asking much out of curiosity, he admitted he had never once wanted to hook or entertain the 'girls', that's a good thing. I suppose or assume all guys on earth wouldn't be able to bring themselves to do so, due to temptations. Am glad for him but how many guys on earth would do the same? I fret not.
Even if they're attached, married, married with kids, single, whatever situations they are in, they will just be tempted - but not because they're drunk. their minds are just screwed to be so. it doesn't matter whatever morals, rules, religion that he has set for himself. Just once, history will repeat itself. With money or not, they will just for satisfaction.
thinking of which, because i'm kinda troubled and stressed, it came asking myself, would I ever get into such a situation.
Eg, my bf/husband in future
in fact I have no idea. i've guy friends who do so, and i seriously am upset for the girls who are with them.
for my female friends, it's time for them to leave the guy but it's all up to them or if they're willing to do so. hurt and tough it seems, but it's better to see someone cheating behind your back.
cheating by whatever means and 101 reasons you give, it's still cheating.
enough of my problems, another came along just ytd.
it's during my weakest point when i'm trying so hard to put up a strong front.
why did you talk to me? I told myself that it will be the end for us. no, you didn't want to. and now you're back here telling me how much you miss me and how your days past. it's been a year. I bet you don't know how I used to spend my days. I became so feeling-less. hurting the good guys around me because of you. and they're really good, that's to my judgment. I thought it was only me who was really hurt deep down yet you're back here to inflict the pain that i've forgotten. i guess it's too late telling me all these bullshit. You know i'm doing rather fine in my relationship, but you're casting doubts like how i did to myself. All of it, at the end, asking me to come back to you if my r/s doesn't work out. Do you know it hurts me a lot hearing this? My replies to you were god damn hilarious because it seems like a joke to me.
just as i told myself that you're the past of 2008-09. I don't wanna see myself being in a r/s for 4 months plus and then asking myself why am I with K. your care and concern were too late now i guess. asking ping about me makes no difference.
the weird thing is, whenever I talk or think about you, i'm filled with anger, and my heart's beating faster than how it should.
you know what, i'm alright having you as a friend, but it's often you trying to interrupt my life when I am doing just fine, makes me think twice.
there's nothing great about me to leave you thinking or miss me that much.
besides, i'm also not the reason why you're smoking heavily every day.
your life changed not because of me.
idk why my heart still ache so much for you when you're the forgotten past.
but as for me? YES. you are the reason why I changed in the way I look at love, or feel. It's because of such guys like you, tossing me around all over, making me mad. that's the reason why i hate you in a way. but being nice, i thought of just remaining friends.
and as for B, i'm just superficial. you were nice, sweet, absolutely caring. no matter how dull or lethargic my day is, whatever nonsense you said didn't piss me off. i don't know if you've recovered from it, but some of your friends said you haven't.
this doesn't work when it comes to K. I guess he could feel so.
and, upon whatever that i've thought of, I am very confused.
well marcus sent me this song - Everybody Dance by Deborah Cox. It did make me feel much better.
I don't know how to carry on like this anymore. i'm like breaking down by myself these few nights, acting like nth happened when i'm out. this is a 'vicious' cycle.
not to think that much, because i'm kinda tired thinking too. but my mind just couldn't stop this shit.
i'm not as strong as you think. and I don't want ppl to see how weak I am.
no, i guess it's because i'm terribly breaking down now.
i dont wanna continue like this.
you're the past that's always haunting me. i've forgotten you, please.


