i've been really troubled the past few days even up till now.

and so, it added on more. GREAT.

So project's finally done. but 2 more to go.

and yes, I'm really tired this semester. Matters of the heart and also my grades - they are 'ailing' terribly. My mum has been nagging and telling me how important my future is. I do know that, because I've set the goals that I want to achieve. So I'm gonna bring myself to study real hard. Have been slacking too much, sleeping more than 10h a day. Sometimes even 16h. I wonder why I need that kinda much of sleep. My health's a sign whenever I sleep continuously. But there are times I sleep cause I'm just too stressed and I don't know what I should do next when there's something I ought to do.

However, ironically, i'm sorta having insomnia too. I slept only 2h after tossing in bed for 2h and woke up for sch, feeling all so energetic. But I guess my mind's rather dead. That's when it became my turn for table topic 2, I couldn't remember a thing to speak my mind. I kinda screwed it up.sighs. this meant my grades are gonna go all the way down.

heard this from my friend which I've not seen for quite some time. he's  really decent and 20 years old just like me this year. Having his attachment where he learnt how to drink every single day. Almost. and besides that, he has to go for all sorts of entertainment even when he's an intern. that's crap. kinda forced to go. well, asked about his experiences, he said it's very bad, and the pubs/entertainment places they go to are really 'lup sup' which meant 'dirty' in the logical sense. Well, he didn't really bother about the entertainment but was there to know people - this is called drawing connections in the working field you are in. Asking much out of curiosity, he admitted he had never once wanted to hook or entertain the 'girls', that's a good thing. I suppose or assume all guys on earth wouldn't be able to bring themselves to do so, due to temptations. Am glad for him but how many guys on earth would do the same? I fret not.

Even if they're attached, married, married with kids, single, whatever situations they are in, they will just be tempted - but not because they're drunk. their minds are just screwed to be so. it doesn't matter whatever morals, rules, religion that he has set for himself. Just once, history will repeat itself. With money or not, they will just for satisfaction.

thinking of which, because i'm kinda troubled and stressed, it came asking myself, would I ever get into such a situation.
Eg, my bf/husband in future
in fact I have no idea. i've guy friends who do so, and i seriously am upset for the girls who are with them.
for my female friends, it's time for them to leave the guy but it's all up to them or if they're willing to do so. hurt and tough it seems, but it's better to see someone cheating behind your back.
cheating by whatever means and 101 reasons you give, it's still cheating.

enough of my problems, another came along just ytd.
it's during my weakest point when i'm trying so hard to put up a strong front.
why did you talk to me? I told myself that it will be the end for us. no, you didn't want to. and now you're back here telling me how much you miss me and how your days past. it's been a year. I bet you don't know how I used to spend my days. I became so feeling-less. hurting the good guys around me because of you. and they're really good, that's to my judgment. I thought it was only me who was really hurt deep down yet you're back here to inflict the pain that i've forgotten. i guess it's too late telling me all these bullshit. You know i'm doing rather fine in my relationship, but you're casting doubts like how i did to myself. All of it, at the end, asking me to come back to you if my r/s doesn't work out. Do you know it hurts me a lot hearing this? My replies to you were god damn hilarious because it seems like a joke to me.
just as i told myself that you're the past of 2008-09. I don't wanna see myself being in a r/s for 4 months plus and then asking myself why am I with K. your care and concern were too late now i guess. asking ping about me makes no difference. 
the weird thing is, whenever I talk or think about you, i'm filled with anger, and my heart's beating faster than how it should.
you know what, i'm alright having you as a friend, but it's often you trying to interrupt my life when I am doing just fine, makes me think twice.
there's nothing great about me to leave you thinking or miss me that much.
besides, i'm also not the reason why you're smoking heavily every day.
your life changed not because of me.
idk why my heart still ache so much for you when you're the forgotten past.

but as for me? YES. you are the reason why I changed in the way I look at love, or feel. It's because of such guys like you, tossing me around all over, making me mad. that's the reason why i hate you in a way. but being nice, i thought of just remaining friends.

and as for B, i'm just superficial. you were nice, sweet, absolutely caring. no matter how dull or lethargic my day is, whatever nonsense you said didn't piss me off. i don't know if you've recovered from it, but some of your friends said you haven't.
this doesn't work when it comes to K. I guess he could feel so.
and, upon whatever that i've thought of, I am very confused.
well marcus sent me this song - Everybody Dance by Deborah Cox. It did make me feel much better.

I don't know how to carry on like this anymore. i'm like breaking down by myself these few nights, acting like nth happened when i'm out. this is a 'vicious' cycle.

not to think that much, because i'm kinda tired thinking too. but my mind just couldn't stop this shit.

i'm not as strong as you think. and I don't want ppl to see how weak I am.

no, i guess it's because i'm terribly breaking down now.

i dont wanna continue like this.
you're the past that's always haunting me. i've forgotten you, please.

'Life has been such a blur' - quoted from anli

Investments project is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm searching for too much perfection. like duh, who wouldn't want to do well right? I've not been doing well. I've got this strong feeling that my other common tests would end up just like CFAS. I studied, but not hard enough as compared to other semesters. Like I've said, when my mind's intertwined with many many random stuffs, I'm bottled up. I can't think proper. And so that also implies on my studies. It reflects a lot. Time to buffer up and stay rigid.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. May 2010 be a blissful and meaningful one.
I sought to tell myself that there's no resemblance. I've told myself no human can be the same, even for identical twins.
But I guess, situations have proved me wrong.

the first tear for 2010. I should just run away from stuffs and try my best.
perfection is always in search for a better pefection.

On a random note, as I'm really stress. I'm doing my research and trying to think absolutely hard to avoid plagiarism, how I wish I've got super powerful English mans!!!

GAWD.....



have fun here! :)

iPhone or BB?

this sucks till the day I get my phone changed. I seriously can't decide.

So much for indecisiveness.

Give me votes or something?

thank you.

ROFL
 

How do you usually spend New Years Eve? Do you like big parties, small celebrations with friends, or do you prefer to hang out by yourself? Is New Years a time of reflection for you? Tell me. I wanna know. Kinda bored, although I've got projects to rush by end of this week and also tutorials and what nots to do.

Ngee Ann just credited $40 to me when kiewu got like $60? It's so unfair when I did the same duties as him. I wonder it's for what events though and how they count. $20 is a hell lot of difference OKAY! and kw knows i've spent it all, but i've got some left, ain't too bad. Start saving and wait for a good reap. :)
I think I should just start on my investments proper once I've got everything planned and done, being not 21 yet is freaking ass troublesome even though the authorities have changed the minimum age to 18? it sucks, why don't just make it 21 right?

Came across this while surfing the net aimlessly.
Your husband should know everything?
Do you agree that your husband should know everything? Including everything about you, your experiences, all your ex-boyfriends, any past history, etc. Some women believe you should leave some kind of mystery about you and others feel that your partner should know everything because they're a part of you. What do you think?

Many different answers and it's more like a 60/40 thing instead. I guess honesty is still the best policy, but ain't tiny weeny bits of secrets here and there leave some kind of mystery for your marriage?

I just came to find out that my starhub voucher expired, $250 goner.
so, I'll have to wait for their call to extend it such that my iPhone 3GS comes in.
have finally decided to get that instead. I've never really liked the iPhone that much as it's like 'oh everyone's got an iPhone, I should be in the crowd too' -.-. so after muccha research and ponders, yes, I should get one. Though i'm a total noob for touch screen interfaces, with fat fingers - especially for text messages. Have been trying so hard on my friends' and cousins phones but that's the 3G one, hopefully it's better for this. Shall start getting myself familiar with it soon. :D

I need a break from everything.
Sometimes thinking too much makes you think what do you want in life.
Or do I know what I want?
It began to dawn on me that I've got no idea what's on my effing cobwebed mind when I actually have got something in it.
I don't know who I am now, the past, the present, the future of me.

Have told myself that life's a gamble ever since I've met T. that's because T told me that everything on earth is a gamble, so does relationships. I began to realize that indeed it does.
It's just like poker, that's the reason why I've got myself to love poker ever since. :D

Here's wishing everyone a late merry christmas and an early NEW YEAR.
MAY ALL YOUR EFFING WISHES COME TRUE PEEPS :):):)
enjoy whatever that's left of 2009 and welcome 2010. the 10th year into the millenium!


ps: suffering from the effects of stressolution. going back to sch to have a good one. fuck this crap.
a BFS student is a Boring Fuck Shit student. Sounds like a eargasm? HAH

thinking of which, it is really true to many people. And for me, I guessed so too.



HAHAHA

ok credits go to kiewu and marcus, i'm reblogging from their posts.

time to change to tumblr very very soon, which I've yet to do so few months back.

Stress is referred to the consequence of the failure of an organism – human or animal – to respond appropriately to emotional or physical threats, whether actual or imagined.

Stress symptoms commonly include a state of alarm and adrenaline production, short-term resistance as a coping mechanism, and exhaustion, as well as irritability, muscular tension, inability to concentrate and a variety of physiological reactions such as headache and elevated heart rate.

Yes, I'm suffering from stress and sleep debts.

Festive seasons are setting in once again.
A new year to begin in a few week's time.
A time to set new goals yet again.

Catching the Twilight Sage: New Moon, in 8hrs time with K.
YAYNESS

every single moment is treasured with him.
cause both you and i know we love each other.

<3

Alright, I'm at school now, having business communication. A boring module.
And yes I just woke up from my beauty sleep.
Chanced upon this from my friend. HOW KEWL~

oooohhhh yeahhhhhhhhhh =)




Common tests, projects, assignments are all looming up!
GAWD.
I'm really dying.

By the way, i'm still very very sick.

sighs.

I WANNA RECOVER TOTALLY RIGHT NOW!!

RIGHT NANANA

hah! I just puked blood. hopefully it's just this once. everything's screwed and so is my health.
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
I LIKE THIS VERY MUCH.

and yes, i hate being compared. it's like a breaking point for me.
that's the reason why i've never compared someone with another.
it screws your whole ego, with me being egoistical, it feels like you're totally crushed.

fever's not getting better, dizzy spells, flu, and body aches. please let me recover by tmr.

thanking everyone who's there for me, but i gotta get a good rest last night.

here it is.

i'm afraid of everything that's happening currently.
i wonder if it's true or just a front.

i felt so screwed.

1. i've lost my mind
2. i don't know what's wrong with whatever's happening
3. i'm not coping well physically and mentally.

last of all.
at least there's a decision that i've made it right.
you're the one who's there no matter what. i'm glad we didn't start off right from the beginning.

i'm tired.

it's better to go all out to hurt someone than to torture him/her in pieces.

School has started, and loomed into the 2nd week. Bringing in all the busy schedules and what nots.
Telling myself that GPA and CGPA is very important. It's hard to maintain and my grades ain't there yet. that's a bloody ass to worry about. I know i'll not end up in university.
Citi forex challenge this saturday.
AFP exam is coming next sunday, 8th Nov.

showed another side of me which I didn't really want to. But I think I should be honest and be fair to him too. A very soft side of me. He was taken aback for that very moment, as he's not rather used to it. haha.
I've been really happy over the past few weekends, spending quality time with him. And I meant it. Rare of me to do that.
Had pleasant surprises from K and it really made my day, more than a day I should say. It lasted rather long. Looking at the dino - idiot, I will just smile!
THANK YOU !!! :)

I'M very very BUSY. Called to work on certain days but I chose not too. I think I can't really cope at the moment. I need to organise my time once again.

and

Halloween's tomorrow!
TRICK OR TREAT?

Baby just came back from outfield. With that said, I've been feeling rather guilty that I will be partying for halloween
and he will be resting at home = I cannot spend time with him.
Was anticipating his text, and yes he did =). I made myself to stay up, and that's partly the reason. I slept about 12h for yesterday, having no classes on thursday is really bad. I can laze my whole day!
Shortly after he called :) , but it ended up with a :( .
boohoo.
It's like the first time ever, I felt utterly bad about this whole thing being in a relationship. I guessed what cheryl said was very true about me. As I told her that I will not club too often as my boyfriend don't really want me to, and she said 'since when were you ever controlled and you followed suit?'  However, for this relationship, it's so much different. Although there were bits of it that I'm still the same. I am much attached to this relationship and I'm chaging for the better. please agree so. LOLS.

I am feeling so,grrrr I have no idea.
I'm gonna go shop for my halloween costume or props or whatsoever such that I can turn up for the party being dressed up as agreed! I am so anticipating this!

on another note, i just received this: i lost the side of the bargain too, so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad afterall.

alright, wish me luck for the citi forex challenge and for my upcoming exam.

Guess I may not be able to see you this weekend. or even for next week?
that's really sad and bad.
Maybe I should start to miss you.
I did.

trying hard not to though.
:(:(;(


XOXO

guys are always very sweet and gentlemenly!

so at my work place, they're often so nice to me.
the F&B staffs will give me free whatever whenever possible.
the chefs - food. whatever that I asked.
how lucky I am.
and how unlucky I am - adding on weight/fats.

Anywhere I work at, I'll be treated well. Minus the unhappy stuffs about work and some issues here and there.
I'm treated much better by the gender: MALE.
Females, please learn from them.

I feel so loved all of a sudden.
I should share my love too!

I just heard some very shocking stuffs from someone.
ASS HOLE. I wonder who actually started the bloody whole thing.
so nice huh??

So...
I think I should disappear and not be spotted/found.

a game of pool later on.

xoxo
MONSTER

ps: video is rated with PG!
Parental Guidance.
This is not the official music video but it does show rather unappealing scenes for the young ones.
young kids or teenagers shouldn't be seeing this. hah!

rating: 4 monster bites
great catchy song.
listen to the lyrics. it's SO OMFG!

<3

this soldier can take pain anywhere else but definitely not the heart

yes, I did.

when you're loved by 2 persons at the same time.

it sets you to think.

there's only 1 choice.

choose.

What would happen if a tsunami really struck Singapore?


1) Fine for spitting anyhow would be lifted.
2) SMRT will go bankrupt because the tunnels would be flooded.
3) IR project would halt and a floating casino would be built instead.
4) River Taxis will go boom-town charlie.
5) ERP and CBD charges would be the least of our worries during peak hours.
6) Newater sales will go rocket high and will go IPO in 1 week.
7) Government will encourage people to give birth to more because of the increasing death toll.
8) Altivo will be the only club left in Singapore.
9) Cable car will extend its route to JB.
10) The little red dot representing the country will be even smaller on the World Map.

AMAZING!

I wonder if I make my choices according to categories and criterias.

I have became so materialistic and superficial towards how life should be lived. somehow.

It seems extremely bad.
when it comes to the matter of the heart.

I play the bad guy most of the time.
it sets me to think so much more ever since.

I came to find out just yesterday that K is rather IT savvy. 

On another note,  I totally forgot about the details of elaine's 18th party this sat.
All I know is I'm Russell's 'date' for that day.
I can't just disappear leaving him 'dateless'. haha
I need to plan and I gotta update my planner once again.

Sch's starting in like bloody 2 weeks.
I'm gonna be a busy workaholic + schoolofrenzy.

I gotta make time for that special K too.

time for a good rest from tonight, I hope.

I wonder what I just did.

What I said.

Wonder what the hell I'm thinking too.

ARSE!

It's so much of an emotional rollercoaster ride!

fuck!

BOOO!!!

I'm at my bf's place.

too lazy to update anything.

but OKTOBERFEST is a nice experience.

Fun. and that's it.

2 more days and it's over. and I can take a good rest.

I REALLY LOVE MY BF!
:D

CIAO


XOXO
MONSTER
=)

With Joseph telling me this, I'm so shocked.
So here it is! Vanessa Lam Xiu Ping wants to see this. tee hee hee.
You must be smiling like an idiot now when you see this. =)



I am surprised yet had a mix of feelings upon seeing this.
I didn't know what to do and how to reply - so i didn't.
Lost.
I should be overjoyed upon seeing this, but it came as why did he text this over suddenly?
I asked myself if I deserve to be treated well and to be loved by another.

Good friends around thanks for your concerns from texting and calling me.
Suresh and Baoying made me think through deeply.
To think that they can remember almost every single thing I told them. I'm very touched. I heart you guys.

'if you're so confused it definitely means you like him'.
Conflicting thoughts - many of them.
I wonder what's going through on my mind all the time, especially for periods like this.

I guess I need to wake up and face reality.

All I need is an honest answer for myself and to him too.

I a m  a  r e a l  h e a r t b r e a k e r ...